Santas New Contract For 2000

A
new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully.

/>I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the
Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
us. They are as follows:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents
from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "This sleigh
insured by Smith & Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.

3. Bubbas sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzens
head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace.

4. You wont hear "On Comet, on Cupid..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been
replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond "I heard
dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have
Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off". The last I heard, it has other
decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "Its a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves
Christmas" and "Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesnt wear
a belt. If I were you, Id make sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when
he bends over to put the presents under the tree.

9. Dont look for the
traditional stocking items this year either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children
in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.

/>10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Clauss elves in his Freedom Homes doublewide
workshop.

11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the Red-nosed
Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the
Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on radio
stations all over the South.

Sincerely yours,

Santa
Claus